From Paul Will Rogers

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.

8. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

9. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.

10. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back in.

11. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot
him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

original sender : Paul Vogt

Very Punny!

The list of truly awful puns :

1. A backward poet writes inverse.
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
3. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
4. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
5. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
6. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
7. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
8. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
9. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
10. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
11. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
12. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and...
I'll show you A-flat minor.
13. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
14. A Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
15. Every calendar's days are numbered.
16. A lot of money is tainted -- it taint yours and it taint mine.
17. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
18. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
19. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
20. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
21. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

John Donovan

Still More Bumper 'Slickers'

If it weren't for Venetian blinds it would be curtains for
everybody.

We painted our floor with luminous paint, so now the
florescent what it used to be.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

Having children. What an heir raising experience that is!

Perforation is a rip-off!

A man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned
because he couldn't concentrate.

Another poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He
lost his job when the company folded.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and
those who can't.

Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.

A bird in the hand can get kind of messy.

Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of
witnesses

Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice

If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a
fool about it!

Brent Gray

Quotes to Brighten Your Day

Some people have a gift for using language to lighten our
loads and brighten our days. Mark Twain had it; George
Burns had it. Over the years, I've collected thousands of
quotes and here are a few that I count on to make me smile.

'Don't be humble. You're not that great.'
--- Golda Meir

'Few things are harder to put up with than
the annoyance of a good example.'
--- Mark Twain

'I envy people who drink. At least they know
what to blame everything on.'
--- Oscar Levant

''The secret to staying young is to live honestly,
eat slowly, and lie about your age.'
--- Lucille Ball

'Old age is like everything else, to make
a success of it you got to start young.'
--- Fred Astaire

'You know your children are growing up when
they stop asking where they came from and
refuse to tell you where they're going.'
--- P. O'Brien

'You know who must be very secure in their
masculinity? Male ladybugs.'
--- Jay Leno

'I want to know why, if men rule the world,
they don't stop wearing neckties.'
--- Linda Ellerbee'

'I'd like to live like a poor man,
only with lots of money.'
--- Pablo Picasso

'I hate housework! You make the beds,
you do the dishes - and six months later
you have to start all over again.'
--- Joan Rivers

Philip Humbert

What Gender Is It?

If you're like most people, common everyday items look
inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of
them have a gender. For example:

Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but
you can see right through them.

Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.

Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere
you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course,
there's the hot air part.

Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and
retain water.

Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts
to the bottom.

Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the
last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male.
But consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to
push, he keeps trying.

Philip Humbert

Groaners

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says 'I'll
serve you, but don't start anything.'

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I've lost my
electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies,
'Yes, I'm positive...'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, 'My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,'
says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the
dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally,
he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because
he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by
a strong currant.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other
and says 'dam'.

author: Dolly Howard

Things I Learned from The Easter Bunny

1. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
2. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
3. Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
4. Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.
5. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
6. There's no such thing as too much candy.
7. Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans.
8. Once in a while, everyone has a bad hare day.
9. All work and no play can make you a basket case.
10. The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
11. To show your true colors you have to come of your shell.
12. Some body parts should be floppy.
13. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits

original sender: Patricia Pikor