From Paul Will Rogers

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.

8. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

9. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.

10. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back in.

11. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot
him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

original sender : Paul Vogt

Very Punny!

The list of truly awful puns :

1. A backward poet writes inverse.
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
3. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
4. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
5. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
6. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
7. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
8. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
9. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
10. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
11. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
12. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and...
I'll show you A-flat minor.
13. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
14. A Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
15. Every calendar's days are numbered.
16. A lot of money is tainted -- it taint yours and it taint mine.
17. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
18. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
19. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
20. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
21. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

John Donovan

Still More Bumper 'Slickers'

If it weren't for Venetian blinds it would be curtains for
everybody.

We painted our floor with luminous paint, so now the
florescent what it used to be.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

Having children. What an heir raising experience that is!

Perforation is a rip-off!

A man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned
because he couldn't concentrate.

Another poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He
lost his job when the company folded.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and
those who can't.

Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.

A bird in the hand can get kind of messy.

Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of
witnesses

Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice

If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a
fool about it!

Brent Gray

Quotes to Brighten Your Day

Some people have a gift for using language to lighten our
loads and brighten our days. Mark Twain had it; George
Burns had it. Over the years, I've collected thousands of
quotes and here are a few that I count on to make me smile.

'Don't be humble. You're not that great.'
--- Golda Meir

'Few things are harder to put up with than
the annoyance of a good example.'
--- Mark Twain

'I envy people who drink. At least they know
what to blame everything on.'
--- Oscar Levant

''The secret to staying young is to live honestly,
eat slowly, and lie about your age.'
--- Lucille Ball

'Old age is like everything else, to make
a success of it you got to start young.'
--- Fred Astaire

'You know your children are growing up when
they stop asking where they came from and
refuse to tell you where they're going.'
--- P. O'Brien

'You know who must be very secure in their
masculinity? Male ladybugs.'
--- Jay Leno

'I want to know why, if men rule the world,
they don't stop wearing neckties.'
--- Linda Ellerbee'

'I'd like to live like a poor man,
only with lots of money.'
--- Pablo Picasso

'I hate housework! You make the beds,
you do the dishes - and six months later
you have to start all over again.'
--- Joan Rivers

Philip Humbert

What Gender Is It?

If you're like most people, common everyday items look
inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of
them have a gender. For example:

Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but
you can see right through them.

Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.

Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere
you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course,
there's the hot air part.

Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and
retain water.

Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts
to the bottom.

Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the
last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male.
But consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to
push, he keeps trying.

Philip Humbert

Groaners

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says 'I'll
serve you, but don't start anything.'

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I've lost my
electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies,
'Yes, I'm positive...'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, 'My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,'
says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the
dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally,
he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because
he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by
a strong currant.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other
and says 'dam'.

author: Dolly Howard

Things I Learned from The Easter Bunny

1. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
2. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
3. Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
4. Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.
5. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
6. There's no such thing as too much candy.
7. Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans.
8. Once in a while, everyone has a bad hare day.
9. All work and no play can make you a basket case.
10. The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
11. To show your true colors you have to come of your shell.
12. Some body parts should be floppy.
13. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits

original sender: Patricia Pikor

Wisdom for Real Life

My idea of housework is sweeping the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make
them all yourself.

============================================

Philip E. Humbert, PhD,

Disorder In The Court

These exchanges have been around a long time, and I have no idea whether
they actually happened or are the product of someone's fertile imagination.
But I do solemnly swear that they made me laugh! I want to thank Paul Vogt
for sending them to me. I hope you enjoy them – and to anyone whose words
are quoted here, I'm sorry!

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: The date of your baby's conception was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies were performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Philip E. Humbert, PhD,

Male or Female?

Many languages refer to everyday objects as either male or female. Wouldn't
English be more interesting and versatile if we did, too? These suggestions
are from the Washington Post, which asked readers to assign a gender to
nouns of their choice and explain their reason. Here are some of the best
submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a
fire under it…and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are
pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see
right through them.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but
it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it
gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always
know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Philip E. Humbert, PhD,

Very Punny!

1. A backward poet writes inverse.
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
3. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
4. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
5. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
6. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
7. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
8. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
9. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
10. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
11. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
12. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and...
I'll show you A-flat minor.
13. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
14. A Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
15. Every calendar's days are numbered.
16. A lot of money is tainted -- it taint yours and it taint mine.
17. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
18. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
19. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
20. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
21. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Author: John Donovan

Creating a Value-Based Life

1. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved its full potential, that word
would be 'meetings.'

2. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

3. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.

4. And when God, who created the entire universe with all
of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He WILL NOT use as His messenger, a person on cable TV with
a bad haircut.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take
it too seriously.

7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always
one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to
take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
dance. If anybody cares how you dance, feel sorry for them.
They need to get a life and learn how to have fun.

9. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

10. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear
and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is
age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that
we are above-average drivers.

13. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

14. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is
not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention.
It never fails.)

15. Don't think that because a person is having fun they
are drinking to excess. Some people have fun naturally
given the moment, and you need to find out how they do it.

16. Never FRY anything naked.

17. Your friends will love you anyway.

Author: Andy Rooney

More Super-Groaners!

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to
work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together
kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag
was full of loot.

Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.

Primate \pri'-mat\: Removing your spouse from in front of
the TV.

Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 200 pounds in a size two.

Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \sub-dood'\: A guy that works on one of those
submarines.

Author: Dolly Howard

Quick Cute Quips

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't!

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

Rehab Is for Quitters

My Dog Can Lick Anyone

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000
times the memory.

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN. Cops have nothing to go on.

Author : Dolly Howard

Really BAD Groaners 2

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you?'

'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad...or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

Really BAD Groaners 1

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says 'I'll
serve you, but don't start anything.'

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, 'Sorry we
don't serve food in here.'

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Author: Dolly Howard

Why Men Are Happier

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
Same work, more pay. (Less work, more pay?)
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, for all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You can do Christmas shopping on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Author: Bill Barrows

Curious and Useless Stuff 2

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in
China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on
July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the
rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't
added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most
popular boat name?
A. Obsession

Author: Dolly Howard:

Curious and Useless Stuff 1

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Author: Dolly Howard:

BE WARNED : Virus Alert "Badtimes"

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately. Do not
open it. Apparently this is one nasty virus! It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks
within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, and uses subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will replace every song on your iPod with really nasty killer rap.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's settings so all your ice cream
melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will rewrite your Word documents, changing all your active verbs to
passive tense and add undetectable misspellings which grossly change the
meaning of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows environment, it will leave
the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close
to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell
like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is
also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

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NOTE: This is a JOKE!

Author: Stephen Hendren