Will the REAL Moron Please Stand Up?

1. When AT&T fired President John Walter after nine
months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership, he
received a $26 million severance package. And it's supposed
to be Walter who's lacking intelligence?!

2. Police in Oakland, California spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself
inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside them
in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give
yourself up.'

3. An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to
withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas store and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the
counter himself for three hours until police showed up and
grabbed him.

5. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat
the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man
shouted, 'That's not what I said!'

6. In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested
for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo!)

7. THE GRAND FINALE: Last summer, on Lake Isabella,
located an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks
had a problem with their new boat. Seems it was sluggish,
no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour
of trying to make it go, they put to a nearby marina,
thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A
thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect
working condition. The engine ran fine, and the propeller
was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys
jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking
on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still
strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Author: Dolly

e-mail address

An unemployed man applies for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The
manager arranges for him to take an aptitude test. After the test, the
manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage. Let me have your
e-mail address, so that I can send you a form and tell you where to report
for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail
address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you
virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in
his wallet, he decides to buy a 25-pound flat of tomatoes at the
supermarket. In less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually
at 100 percent profit. Repeating the process several times that day, he
ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling
tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies
his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport
several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that
he can buy a pickup truck for his expanding business. In two years he has a
fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of 100 formerly unemployed
people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy life
insurance. Consulting with an adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit
his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the
adviser asks for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents
electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is
stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to
amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce? Just
imagine where you would be if you were connected to the Internet from the
very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course!
I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Advice on Love and Marriage

Advice on Love and Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're
going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get
to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get
to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you
listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that. --Curt, age 7

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to
be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET
MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't
there? --Kelvin, age 8

'And the #1 Favorite is........'

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks
like a truck. --Ricky, age 10

Author: Paul Vogt

Between Airline Pilots and Control Tower:2

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7.'

Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead
animal on the far end of the runway.'

Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?'

Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff
roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already
notified our caterers.'

Author: Joshua Turner

Between Airline Pilots and Control Tower:

During taxi, the crew of a US Air flight to Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate Controller radioed the US Air crew screaming, 'US
Air, where are you going? I told you to turn right on
Charlie taxi way; you turned right on Delta. Stop right
there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference
between C's and D's but get it right!'

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, the
Controller shouted, 'You've screwed everything up; it'll
take forever to sort this out. Stay right there and don't
move until I tell you to. You can expect new taxi
instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you. You got that, USAir?' The humbled crew responded:
'Yes, Ma'am.'

Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly
silent and tension in every cockpit was running high until
an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, 'Wasn't
I married to you once?'

Author: Joshua Turner

Great Truths from Small Children

Great Truths from Small Children

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Author: Josh Turner

21 Reasons Why English is Hard

21 Reasons Why English is Hard

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Author: John Donovan,