Quotes to Brighten Your Day

Some people have a gift for using language to lighten our
loads and brighten our days. Mark Twain had it; George
Burns had it. Over the years, I've collected thousands of
quotes and here are a few that I count on to make me smile.

'Don't be humble. You're not that great.'
--- Golda Meir

'Few things are harder to put up with than
the annoyance of a good example.'
--- Mark Twain

'I envy people who drink. At least they know
what to blame everything on.'
--- Oscar Levant

''The secret to staying young is to live honestly,
eat slowly, and lie about your age.'
--- Lucille Ball

'Old age is like everything else, to make
a success of it you got to start young.'
--- Fred Astaire

'You know your children are growing up when
they stop asking where they came from and
refuse to tell you where they're going.'
--- P. O'Brien

'You know who must be very secure in their
masculinity? Male ladybugs.'
--- Jay Leno

'I want to know why, if men rule the world,
they don't stop wearing neckties.'
--- Linda Ellerbee'

'I'd like to live like a poor man,
only with lots of money.'
--- Pablo Picasso

'I hate housework! You make the beds,
you do the dishes - and six months later
you have to start all over again.'
--- Joan Rivers

Philip Humbert

What Gender Is It?

If you're like most people, common everyday items look
inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of
them have a gender. For example:

Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but
you can see right through them.

Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.

Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere
you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course,
there's the hot air part.

Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and
retain water.

Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts
to the bottom.

Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the
last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male.
But consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to
push, he keeps trying.

Philip Humbert

Groaners

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says 'I'll
serve you, but don't start anything.'

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I've lost my
electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies,
'Yes, I'm positive...'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, 'My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,'
says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the
dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally,
he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because
he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by
a strong currant.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other
and says 'dam'.

author: Dolly Howard

Things I Learned from The Easter Bunny

1. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
2. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
3. Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
4. Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.
5. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
6. There's no such thing as too much candy.
7. Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans.
8. Once in a while, everyone has a bad hare day.
9. All work and no play can make you a basket case.
10. The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
11. To show your true colors you have to come of your shell.
12. Some body parts should be floppy.
13. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits

original sender: Patricia Pikor

Wisdom for Real Life

My idea of housework is sweeping the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make
them all yourself.

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Philip E. Humbert, PhD,