From Paul Will Rogers

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.

8. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

9. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.

10. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back in.

11. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot
him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

original sender : Paul Vogt

Very Punny!

The list of truly awful puns :

1. A backward poet writes inverse.
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
3. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
4. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
5. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
6. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
7. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
8. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
9. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
10. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
11. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
12. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and...
I'll show you A-flat minor.
13. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
14. A Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
15. Every calendar's days are numbered.
16. A lot of money is tainted -- it taint yours and it taint mine.
17. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
18. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
19. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
20. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
21. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

John Donovan

Still More Bumper 'Slickers'

If it weren't for Venetian blinds it would be curtains for
everybody.

We painted our floor with luminous paint, so now the
florescent what it used to be.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

Having children. What an heir raising experience that is!

Perforation is a rip-off!

A man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned
because he couldn't concentrate.

Another poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He
lost his job when the company folded.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and
those who can't.

Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.

A bird in the hand can get kind of messy.

Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of
witnesses

Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice

If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a
fool about it!

Brent Gray

Quotes to Brighten Your Day

Some people have a gift for using language to lighten our
loads and brighten our days. Mark Twain had it; George
Burns had it. Over the years, I've collected thousands of
quotes and here are a few that I count on to make me smile.

'Don't be humble. You're not that great.'
--- Golda Meir

'Few things are harder to put up with than
the annoyance of a good example.'
--- Mark Twain

'I envy people who drink. At least they know
what to blame everything on.'
--- Oscar Levant

''The secret to staying young is to live honestly,
eat slowly, and lie about your age.'
--- Lucille Ball

'Old age is like everything else, to make
a success of it you got to start young.'
--- Fred Astaire

'You know your children are growing up when
they stop asking where they came from and
refuse to tell you where they're going.'
--- P. O'Brien

'You know who must be very secure in their
masculinity? Male ladybugs.'
--- Jay Leno

'I want to know why, if men rule the world,
they don't stop wearing neckties.'
--- Linda Ellerbee'

'I'd like to live like a poor man,
only with lots of money.'
--- Pablo Picasso

'I hate housework! You make the beds,
you do the dishes - and six months later
you have to start all over again.'
--- Joan Rivers

Philip Humbert

What Gender Is It?

If you're like most people, common everyday items look
inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of
them have a gender. For example:

Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but
you can see right through them.

Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.

Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere
you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course,
there's the hot air part.

Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and
retain water.

Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts
to the bottom.

Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the
last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male.
But consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to
push, he keeps trying.

Philip Humbert

Groaners

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says 'I'll
serve you, but don't start anything.'

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I've lost my
electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies,
'Yes, I'm positive...'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, 'My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,'
says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the
dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally,
he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because
he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by
a strong currant.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other
and says 'dam'.

author: Dolly Howard

Things I Learned from The Easter Bunny

1. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
2. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
3. Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
4. Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.
5. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
6. There's no such thing as too much candy.
7. Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans.
8. Once in a while, everyone has a bad hare day.
9. All work and no play can make you a basket case.
10. The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
11. To show your true colors you have to come of your shell.
12. Some body parts should be floppy.
13. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits

original sender: Patricia Pikor

Wisdom for Real Life

My idea of housework is sweeping the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make
them all yourself.

============================================

Philip E. Humbert, PhD,

Disorder In The Court

These exchanges have been around a long time, and I have no idea whether
they actually happened or are the product of someone's fertile imagination.
But I do solemnly swear that they made me laugh! I want to thank Paul Vogt
for sending them to me. I hope you enjoy them – and to anyone whose words
are quoted here, I'm sorry!

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: The date of your baby's conception was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies were performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Philip E. Humbert, PhD,

Male or Female?

Many languages refer to everyday objects as either male or female. Wouldn't
English be more interesting and versatile if we did, too? These suggestions
are from the Washington Post, which asked readers to assign a gender to
nouns of their choice and explain their reason. Here are some of the best
submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a
fire under it…and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are
pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see
right through them.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but
it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it
gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always
know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Philip E. Humbert, PhD,

Very Punny!

1. A backward poet writes inverse.
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
3. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
4. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
5. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
6. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
7. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
8. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
9. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
10. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
11. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
12. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and...
I'll show you A-flat minor.
13. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
14. A Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
15. Every calendar's days are numbered.
16. A lot of money is tainted -- it taint yours and it taint mine.
17. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
18. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
19. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
20. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
21. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Author: John Donovan

Creating a Value-Based Life

1. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved its full potential, that word
would be 'meetings.'

2. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

3. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.

4. And when God, who created the entire universe with all
of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He WILL NOT use as His messenger, a person on cable TV with
a bad haircut.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take
it too seriously.

7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always
one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to
take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
dance. If anybody cares how you dance, feel sorry for them.
They need to get a life and learn how to have fun.

9. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

10. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear
and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is
age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that
we are above-average drivers.

13. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

14. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is
not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention.
It never fails.)

15. Don't think that because a person is having fun they
are drinking to excess. Some people have fun naturally
given the moment, and you need to find out how they do it.

16. Never FRY anything naked.

17. Your friends will love you anyway.

Author: Andy Rooney

More Super-Groaners!

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to
work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together
kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag
was full of loot.

Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.

Primate \pri'-mat\: Removing your spouse from in front of
the TV.

Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 200 pounds in a size two.

Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \sub-dood'\: A guy that works on one of those
submarines.

Author: Dolly Howard

Quick Cute Quips

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't!

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

Rehab Is for Quitters

My Dog Can Lick Anyone

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000
times the memory.

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN. Cops have nothing to go on.

Author : Dolly Howard

Really BAD Groaners 2

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you?'

'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad...or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

Really BAD Groaners 1

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says 'I'll
serve you, but don't start anything.'

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, 'Sorry we
don't serve food in here.'

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Author: Dolly Howard

Why Men Are Happier

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
Same work, more pay. (Less work, more pay?)
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, for all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You can do Christmas shopping on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Author: Bill Barrows

Curious and Useless Stuff 2

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in
China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on
July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the
rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't
added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most
popular boat name?
A. Obsession

Author: Dolly Howard:

Curious and Useless Stuff 1

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Author: Dolly Howard:

BE WARNED : Virus Alert "Badtimes"

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately. Do not
open it. Apparently this is one nasty virus! It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks
within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, and uses subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will replace every song on your iPod with really nasty killer rap.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's settings so all your ice cream
melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will rewrite your Word documents, changing all your active verbs to
passive tense and add undetectable misspellings which grossly change the
meaning of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows environment, it will leave
the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close
to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell
like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is
also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: This is a JOKE!

Author: Stephen Hendren

Definitions to Live By

More wit and wisdom from my good friend and resident source of humor and
good cheer,

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in
the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they
are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines!

Author: Dolly Howard:

Totally Biased Truths from An Avid Golfer

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people
who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?
These truths may shed light on the reasons why.

Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority
of players being honorable people who don't need referees.

Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.

Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.

Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.

Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion
to how well they play.

Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new
contracts, because of another player's deal.

Professional Golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay
for the courses on which they play.

When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for
them or back them up.

The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than
the National Football League does in two.

You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at
any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day
for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed
section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.

You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course,
watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune
on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded
baseball or football stadiums. I brought a Coke into Oriole
Park at Camden Yards last year, and an usher came to my
seat and told me I had to dispose of it, or I would not be
allowed to stay in the stadium.

In golf, you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9
million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300
batting average) do.

Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.

Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.

Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.

Golf doesn't have free agency.

In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars,
would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you.
In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read 'Leave Me
Alone.'

You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.

Ladies are welcome players.

At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports
stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four
letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping
that no one spills beer on you.

Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry
Bonds can hit a baseball.

Golf Courses don't ruin the neighborhood.

Author: Dolly Howard

Will the REAL Moron Please Stand Up?

1. When AT&T fired President John Walter after nine
months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership, he
received a $26 million severance package. And it's supposed
to be Walter who's lacking intelligence?!

2. Police in Oakland, California spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself
inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside them
in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give
yourself up.'

3. An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to
withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas store and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the
counter himself for three hours until police showed up and
grabbed him.

5. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat
the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man
shouted, 'That's not what I said!'

6. In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested
for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo!)

7. THE GRAND FINALE: Last summer, on Lake Isabella,
located an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks
had a problem with their new boat. Seems it was sluggish,
no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour
of trying to make it go, they put to a nearby marina,
thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A
thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect
working condition. The engine ran fine, and the propeller
was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys
jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking
on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still
strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Author: Dolly

e-mail address

An unemployed man applies for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The
manager arranges for him to take an aptitude test. After the test, the
manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage. Let me have your
e-mail address, so that I can send you a form and tell you where to report
for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail
address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you
virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in
his wallet, he decides to buy a 25-pound flat of tomatoes at the
supermarket. In less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually
at 100 percent profit. Repeating the process several times that day, he
ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling
tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies
his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport
several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that
he can buy a pickup truck for his expanding business. In two years he has a
fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of 100 formerly unemployed
people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy life
insurance. Consulting with an adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit
his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the
adviser asks for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents
electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is
stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to
amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce? Just
imagine where you would be if you were connected to the Internet from the
very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course!
I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Advice on Love and Marriage

Advice on Love and Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're
going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get
to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get
to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you
listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that. --Curt, age 7

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to
be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET
MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't
there? --Kelvin, age 8

'And the #1 Favorite is........'

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks
like a truck. --Ricky, age 10

Author: Paul Vogt

Between Airline Pilots and Control Tower:2

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7.'

Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead
animal on the far end of the runway.'

Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?'

Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff
roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already
notified our caterers.'

Author: Joshua Turner

Between Airline Pilots and Control Tower:

During taxi, the crew of a US Air flight to Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate Controller radioed the US Air crew screaming, 'US
Air, where are you going? I told you to turn right on
Charlie taxi way; you turned right on Delta. Stop right
there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference
between C's and D's but get it right!'

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, the
Controller shouted, 'You've screwed everything up; it'll
take forever to sort this out. Stay right there and don't
move until I tell you to. You can expect new taxi
instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you. You got that, USAir?' The humbled crew responded:
'Yes, Ma'am.'

Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly
silent and tension in every cockpit was running high until
an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, 'Wasn't
I married to you once?'

Author: Joshua Turner

Great Truths from Small Children

Great Truths from Small Children

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Author: Josh Turner

21 Reasons Why English is Hard

21 Reasons Why English is Hard

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Author: John Donovan,

Baby Boomers

Some artists from the 1960's are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging "baby boomers" -- good news, for those feeling a little older and missing these great tunes.

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"

The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"

The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"

Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"

Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"

Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"

Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Nappin'"

ABBA - "Denture Queen"

Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"

Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"

Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

Hug someone today because, .......

Hug someone today because :

Hugs are non-fattening and they don't cause cancer or
cavities.

Hugs are totally organic and with no preservatives,
artificial colors or toxic residue

Hugs are cholesterol-free, naturally sweet, 100%
wholesome and non-allergenic

Hugs are easy to care for, they don't require batteries,
or tune-ups and are a renewable resource

Hugs are non-taxable, fully returnable and energy-
efficient

Hugs are safe in all kinds of weather

Hugs are especially good on cold or rainy days

Hugs are exceptionally effective for treating problems
like bad dreams, disappointments and blue Mondays

Hugs are good for people of all ages, shapes and sizes

Hugs may be considered "politically incorrect" (which
makes them even more delicious) but on the positive side,
they are FUN!

Give someone a hug today - you're almost sure to get one right back!

The Van Gogh Family Reunion!

The Van Gogh Family Reunion!

are you know artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives?
Among them were:

His obnoxious brother....................Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt ..........................Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes...............Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle ...................Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a corner store.....Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia..........U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white.....Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois.................Chica Gogh

His magician uncle.......................Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin.......................Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half brother....Grin Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt................Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco.................Go Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach.......Wellsfar Gogh

The bird lover uncle.....................Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst.................E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin..................Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking.....Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew.................Poe Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van.....Winnie Bay Gogh